Back Breaker

June 7 2009. 3:27 am-the start of this entry.

Someone once said,"I've got my mouth. It's a weapon. It's a bombshell. It's a cannon. I've got my words, and I won't give them mercy."....

Here goes...


Whenever i have an exhausting day, I feel it in my bones. My muscles sore; my joints creak. Like I imagine the TinMan's would have, in the land of OZ. Wait. No. No, more like an old door swinging from it's hinges. From a deserted, empty, maybe haunted house.

My body like it would be after a hard day of lifting...a day like the one back in the summer of '02, trying to make the football team...[cuz that's what anybody who was "anybody" did...]

Only i didn't work out...

I "worked".

I worked out today though. Whistling to MAD. ...

"My love rests in a shipwreck. With a compass in his head. I'll wait for him, like vultures wait for bodies."

and...

"So let's go back, to the first time, that I met you, in your Chevy, with your hands stretched, and me crying, screaming, "Mercy, Mercy." But I know that, I was put here, to fight Vikings, in the Cold War, with my arms out, in the front lines, singing, "Dare me. Dare me.""

After that days "work," you'd expect someone to sleep like their life depended on it. I sleep 1 hour and 13 minutes. I couldn't sleep anymore. It's the middle of the night and I have work in the morning. I get up and go to the kitchen. I have a glass of orange juice, sit down and open the pennysaver. I look for other jobs. My hand is itchy. "That's what i get for a hard day's work!" is what I tell myself. Damn humungoid mosquitos in Connecticut... I didn't know they bred genetically enhanced mosquitos/piranhas in CT...

piranquitos?

But the truth is, even though it was a commission-type job; even though I had doors slammed in my face and dogs chased me; even though I was exhausted and wet from the downpour of rain; and even though i was left by myself for hours with no light or any streetlights for that matter-"blessed" with a poor sense of direction and a phone that was dying...ya know, in case of an emergency...

it was a job. A meaningful one, at that. And these were excuses...

Moreover, it was a challenge...

And little did I know, I blew it...again.

Damn it...

...

When I was up that night, that's kinda how i felt. Uneasy. With Regret. Tension. That I was gonna quit a job. A job that was somewhat worthwhile but quite frankly, scared the shit outta me.

"Life is a Battlefield."

Why do I run? And when did I start running?

I was going through someth...

Can't be, that was years ago.

Years ago...

Flashback.

I quit Tae-Kwon Do. I quit Piano. It was the same age. I was probably around 9. I didn't like it. My parents said it was okay.

I didn't like the challenge...

Wrong. It's not okay...running from challenges.

I felt like I had fallen into a rut. Like I was asleep in a deep dream, never to wake up.

But the worst part was the realization. How I think I'm a brave person. How, in my self image, I make myself more courageous than I really am. When I think I'd stay, I would run. When i cried for relief, i had cried for sympathy...

I saw myself...i saw truth.

I'm a coward. In my head, I am brave. I am a US soldier. I am Captain Winters. I am every brave Super-hero. I am Iron Man...

I finish my orange juice and put it into the sink. Brian's been with me through a lot. I don't know how he gets through his challenges. Some inherited from me. He makes me stronger. At least he stands up for his beliefs. At least he "stands up." He is no coward. I don't go through some challenges. I'm too scared. I find excuses. I let him deal with it. But go ahead Brian...your "stronger" than me...that's why your my big brother.

...Thanks.

I embellish.

Where's the realness? Where's the truth?

Coward...

I come across an article about Escapism.

"Let me ask you, is the past holding your life hostage? Are there things you did in the past, mistakes that you made and you have not forgiven yourself, you have not been able to get over such experiences? Or are there people who though they are dead still hold the remote control of your life? People who said some harsh words over your life and even though they are dead you are still holding those harsh words and they are affecting you. As we develop the ability to win over failure, please remember that there is no life without challenges."

You've got my attention article.

"Escapism occurs when you try to avoid something. It can come in different forms. Some people escape by seeking out alternate activities, such as sleeping and playing. Some drown themselves in work. Some immerse themselves in addiction, such as emotional binging, smoking, alcohol or even drugs. Some physically run away from their homes. Some may even go as far as to migrate to a new place where they can start ‘afresh’.
In life, many people try to escape from various things. No matter what they are trying to avoid, these things ultimately ladder down to their fears, their deepest sorrows, their pains, their past, their disappointments."

Makes sense to me...

In the end, I think I was trying to avoid myself. I was trying to avoid tainting my own perceived self-image. I was trying to avoid acknowledging a part of me and I didn’t want to acknowledge I was anything less than my idealized self image. That I occasionally get scared and usually wind up running.

However, i was deluding myself. I avoided issues altogether whenever it would come up. I was letting them perpetuate. I lacked discipline...

"But it is important to understand that escapism is a form of defense mechanism. It occurs as a product of you trying to protect yourself from something. Specifically, your ego trying to protect yourself."

Thanks, Ego. Sorta, sincerely.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that when you avoid things, the problem doesn't go away. The proverb, Ignorance Is Bliss, has probably got to be one of the single most deluded proverbs ever...

"Until you acknowledge and muster the courage to deal with what you are trying to escape from, your issues will not miraculously disappear by themselves. They will continue to be there, creating looping patterns in your life. You will keep finding yourself getting stuck in similar situations and contexts, thinking the same things, feeling the same emotions, doing the same things - over, and over, and over again - until the day you finally decide to do something about them. Loops don’t just stop by themselves. They require conscious intervention in order to break out of them."

That's why I'm blogging. After uncovering some truths about myself. After being vulnerable, it's time to be Legendary. Time to rebuild... Until my back breaks...

Time to be the person who, i know, I can become.

I am the reincarnation of David. Ready to fight my Goliath.





If all that you take from this is courage, than I've no regrets.